{"id":13808,"date":"2017-04-11T07:06:42","date_gmt":"2017-04-11T14:06:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ieadev.wpengine.com\/blog-grief-loss-and-gifted\/"},"modified":"2024-04-15T14:47:24","modified_gmt":"2024-04-15T21:47:24","slug":"blog-grief-loss-and-gifted","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/educationaladvancement.org\/blog-grief-loss-and-gifted\/","title":{"rendered":"Grief, Loss and Gifted"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Heather Boorman,\u00a0LICSW, LCSW, and Co-Founder of The Fringy Bit<\/u><\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

Whether we believe it or not, Spring has sprung. Often, we think of new growth, new life, and renewal, but spring can also hold an underpinning of grief and loss. As soon as the weather warms and the sun shines longer, we begin to speak of summer plans, the end of the school year, graduations. While all of these things are fantastic, they also signify loss. And every loss needs to be grieved. Like many things, these losses can feel bigger and more complicated for our gifted kids, which begs the question: how can we help our gifted kids navigate loss?<\/p>\n

Recognize that gifted kids can grieve many<\/em> losses, not just deaths.<\/strong> In truth, all of us grieve many things: a change in a job, moving, the end of a relationship, the end of a sport\u2019s season.\u00a0 Grief is a part of life. Due to the intense natures of many of our gifted kids, they can grieve even more things than we would ever imagine. They can grieve growing out of their favorite shirt, a change in their parent\u2019s work schedule, the realization that superheroes are fictional (at least until one of our gifted kids develops an injectable serum that actually changes humans into web-slinging, partial spiders). What feels like a loss to your child, is a loss. It can be easy to minimize these losses from our adult viewpoints, but the loss is real to them. Allow them to grieve it.<\/p>\n

Recognize that grief is crazy-making for anyone, and intensely crazy-making for intense kids.<\/strong>\u00a0One of my favorite frameworks of grief, from the book,\u00a0The Journey Through Grief and Loss<\/u><\/a><\/em>, describes it in 3 phases, the second of which he labels \u201cthe second storm\u201d. Such a perfect description of the twisting, turning, disheveling, intense emotions that crash into you when you\u2019re in this phase of grief. Of course, depending on the degree of the loss, the intensity of this second storm varies, but know that anger, sadness, despair, anxiety, numbness, physical illness, fatigue, fear are all normal. It can feel like you\u2019re being tossed around from one moment to the next. Our gifted kids can feel this especially intensely. Allow them to. Expect behaviors to be tumultuous, at best, as they move through grief. Remember that a child or teen\u2019s behavior is a form of communication. Figure out what they are trying to communicate. Validate that they feel crazy.<\/p>\n

Give hope.<\/strong>\u00a0Validate that they feel crazy, but provide them with the hope and assurance that it is temporary. They aren\u2019t actually crazy; they\u2019re grieving. At some point this loss won\u2019t feel as big as it does right now. Let them feel it, but also let them know they won\u2019t be stuck in the storm forever.<\/p>\n

Gifted kids will understand grief differently than other kids.<\/strong> Shortly after my dad died, my oldest son, who was barely 7 at the time, appeared particularly sad one night. He said, \u201cI just feel so bad for Grandma Farm. She\u2019s lost 4 of her kids and 2 husbands. She must be so sad.\u201d Gifted kids are going to be able to see the impact on a broader scope than more typically wired kids.\u00a0 Allow space for them to grieve that, too.<\/p>\n

Gifted kids\u2019 grief might not last on the timeframe you\u2019d expect.<\/strong>\u00a0I\u2019ve worked with several gifted kids who have broken down in raw, sobbing grief when talking about their pet who had died years and years before. Allow them to feel it. Grief has its own time table, which will be different for each person. Sometimes it will seem longer than you think it should and sometimes it will seem shorter than you\u2019d expect. Kids often grieve on a quicker schedule, but then re-grieve as they hit a new developmental stage and the loss and change takes on new meaning.<\/p>\n

Help your child find a way to do something<\/em> with their grief.<\/strong>\u00a0Rituals are fantastically helpful. Every year on my dad\u2019s birthday we get him birthday balloons. Have a special end-of-the-school-year picnic. Have a special place where you stop and pick up an ice cream cone on the way home from summer camp each summer. Anything that creates tradition and space to honor the loss will help your child move through it<\/p>\n

Be open and expressive with your own grief.<\/strong>\u00a0We often want to protect our kids from pain, but if they don\u2019t learn how to grieve from us, how are they going to learn it? Grief is a part of life.\u00a0 Sometimes a part of daily life. It\u2019s ok to show our own emotions. It models to our kids how to move through grief. It gives them permission to grieve openly. I was an emotional hurricane when my dad died. I will be an emotional hurricane when my kids near graduation and head off for parts unknown. It\u2019s helpful for them to see that.<\/p>\n

Reassure them that they will always be taken care of.<\/strong>\u00a0In the midst of the hurricane, kids still need to know that they are safe and will be ok. Reassure them that even if you are being emotionally tossed around in the storm, you\u2019ll make sure they will be looked after. And you will be fine too.<\/p>\n

And the best way to help your child navigate loss? Help yourself, first. Take care of yourself. Show them how to grieve well. If you aren\u2019t filled up, you can\u2019t possibly help someone else. You will all get through these losses, and you\u2019ll probably end up more resilient on the other side.<\/p>\n

Heather is a therapist, writer, and\u00a0speaker with Boorman Counseling by day, and mom to 3 \u201cfringy kids\u201d by night.\u00a0 She and her husband provide REAL support to parents who love a differently wired child (gifted, 2e, ASD, SPD, ADHD, etc) through their podcast, blog, and online community, The Fringy Bit. Visit her at\u00a0www.thefringybit.com<\/u><\/a> or www.boormancounseling.com<\/u><\/a>\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Like this post? Sign up for our email newsletter<\/u><\/a> to receive more stories, information, and resources about gifted youth straight to your inbox.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Losses can feel bigger and more complicated for our gifted kids. How can we help them navigate it?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[166,156,189,157,376,377,378,379],"tags":[3511,368,369,3513,172,3509,370,259,1087,3512],"class_list":["post-13808","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-about-iea","category-blog","category-gifted-information","category-gifted-resources","category-grade-6-8","category-grade-9-12","category-grade-k-5","category-programs-services","tag-death","tag-grief","tag-heather-boorman","tag-hope","tag-intensities","tag-licsw","tag-loss","tag-social-and-emotional-development","tag-the-fringy-bit","tag-the-journey-through-grief-and-loss"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/educationaladvancement.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13808","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/educationaladvancement.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/educationaladvancement.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/educationaladvancement.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/educationaladvancement.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13808"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/educationaladvancement.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13808\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/educationaladvancement.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13808"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/educationaladvancement.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13808"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/educationaladvancement.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13808"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}